munch_the-scream.jpgOkay. I just have to say a few words about this. My Scorpio friends are beginning to suspect that there is a plot afoot to cut them adrift, to cast then into exile with no planet to call home.

All over the globe this week, charts were redrawn to reflect the change. Unlike astronomers, astrologers seem to have no problem contradicting each other, so there was no need for a convention.

Last weekend in the Miami Herald, Madalyn Tillis-Dineen, president of the dubiously-named Massachusetts-based National Council for Geocosmic Research reassured us, “You could argue that [Pluto’s] demotion would cause a problem for people whose charts prominently feature Pluto, but I don’t see those people suddenly losing their jobs or falling on hard times.”

I am not exactly sure what Ms. Hillis-Dineen is going on about. I would think that the elimination of Pluto would herald good times, not bad. But I digress. However this Pluto fandango plays out, I must remind all you desperately seeking dangerous Scorpios out there that there were clever and calculating Scorpios around long before Pluto was sighted by Clyde Tombaugh in 1930. Scorpios have always had a planet to call home; he was called Mars.

When I point out this little part of the secret past of the Scorpio reality, the reaction is always the same.

Dead. Silence.

And then I just when I think I am about to be plutoed right out of what is left of the solar system, I am carefully reminded that one just cannot equate powerhouses like Hillary Clinton, Condoleeza Rice, Susan Sarandon or Jeane Kirkpatrick with a bunch of Aries lightweights like Al Gore or Adolf Hitler. Defeat, simply put, is not a part of the Scorpio lexicon.

As Liz Greene pointed out in her book, Saturn: An Old Look at an Old Devil, even the nastiest planets can have a “good side.” Even though it might not look so good to the uninitiated. And if Mars in its Aries incarnation is a bit thoughtless, as a Scorpio the God of War grows some serious cajones.

Anyway, as Ms. Hillis-Dineen informed the Boston Herald: “It’s all about the placement of the planet in your chart. And we’ve worked with Pluto long enough that we know how it behaves.” Though one wonders how much Pluto she’s got in her chart: Since when did any self-respecting Scorpio Pluto, the Lord of the Underworld, ever “behave?”

You see, he is already threatening to fight back, and if/when he does, it is not likely to be pretty. One simply does not call the Kind of the Underworld a “dwarf planet” and expect anything resembling longevity.

This could mean interplanetary warfare. When the Plutonians learn that the International Astronomical Union has stripped Pluto of its planetary status, they are going to be just so very, very mad. After all, for 76 years, Pluto’s been part of the ‘noble nine,” -Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune – and now, now it’s been demoted to the status of ‘dwarf planet.’ What is a ‘dwarf planet,’ anyway? Could this be called ‘planetary profiling?’ How will the ACLU react? Does this mean that Jesse Jackson is going to fly to Pluto to calm the unrest that certain to be brewing there? As he has so many times before, will George Bush refuse to recognize the ruling of the International Astronomical Union (IAU)? Maybe he’ll declare war on Uranus, just to protect the Plutonians.

I’d like to see him try! Meanwhile, in totalitarian Myanmar, where “astrologers classify planets according to their color, size, number of rings, orbit period and axial tilt to determine how they influence the future of individuals or institutions,” Pluto’s status is undiminished and he continues to reign as always, whereas in India . . . well, even Pluto can’t control that place.

Of course in Los Cruces, New Mexico, a group of Clyde Tombaugh’s family and friends are very clear about about their feelings on the matter: size is not an issue. Nor is visibility, if you think about it. Scorpios are private and they like secrets, so this is what I am suggesting to my Scorpio pals: hang on to Pluto.

But just don’t tell anyone.